Quick to forgive

Author Tillie ButlerPosted on

Hello, Blogger World! I am finally back at it. It has been awhile, and let’s just say life happened. God has been tugging on my heart to get back at it, so here we go.

I want to keep blogging on marriage. Marriage is a big part of my heart and it is definitely my passion. My marriage is not perfect, but God has blessed us with a healthy marriage, and I want to share some tools we use to keep it healthy.

Quick to forgive. This can be really hard, and it can make or break a marriage. What do I mean when I say quick to forgive? Well, there are day-to-day things like putting the toilet seat down, cleaning up after making a mess, or snoring really loud.  (You can’t see this, but I am writing this at 3:20am because Jon is snoring so loud and I just couldn’t anymore.) These are the little things that just come with being married.  We quickly learn to just let go and not hold on to these things.  Let’s be honest… after 18 years of marriage it is what it is.

Then there are the hard ones, where it is not so easy to be quick to forgive.  The ones that hurt.  The ones that feel like your heart has been ripped out, thrown on the floor, and stomped on.  The ones where you can’t breathe and you cry yourself to sleep. The ones that can make or break your marriage. You know those ones.

This past July my world came to a complete stop. I felt a hurt and pain from Jon that I thought I would never experience.  A hurt where I could have just walked away from him and it would have been justified. I won’t go into details out of respect for Jon, but let’s just say it was a big one.

When he dropped this bomb on my lap, I experienced every emotion known to man. I hated him, I felt sick, I was crushed, I loved him, but yes, I honestly wanted to punch him in the throat more than once. I yelled at him, I cried, I was silent towards him, and I felt numb towards him.

Over the next couple of days, we talked A LOT! Well, mostly it was me talking… we know men and the many words they have to say when the going gets tough.  (This is me trying to lighten the mood of this blog.)  Anyway, we got to a point where we needed some help. Let me say how important this part was for us.  Lots of women and men at this point in marriage crisis want to hold this hurt in. They want to do 1 of 2 things: #1 not talk about it and bury it deep down, or #2 they want to hold it over their partner, making them suffer and get back at them for hurting them so bad. I didn’t want to do either of those things because I loved Jon so much, and I wanted to work this out.

This is why we reached out to a good friend of ours who is very wise and has training in this area.  Along with this friend, we knew we needed, really needed, God and the Holy Spirit to help us get through this hard time.  Our friend came in and talked with us and did some prayer/healing time with us. This friend looked at me and asked if I could forgive Jon. In my mind is was yelling Are you kidding me?!?!?  He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness! No way am I forgiving him! He needs to hurt the way I hurt!  Of course, I didn’t say any of that out loud, but I did say I know I should, but I don’t know if I can.  The next question was a game changer for me: Do you give your spirit permission to go ahead of you and forgive Jon, and then you will catch up over time?

That I knew I could do!  Believing that resulted in a shift I could feel.  By letting my spirit go ahead of me and forgive Jon, I was allowing myself time to heal as I worked toward forgiveness.  This is what it means to be quick to forgive. This doesn’t mean that it’s all better and perfect, rather it allows the Holy Spirit in to heal my heart, to daily forgive, and to not hold on to unforgiveness towards Jon.

What felt like an epic disaster turned into this beautiful thing. Our marriage has changed since that day, but it has changed for the better. I (and I know this will sound crazy), but I have fallen more in love with my husband.  We look at each other with more grace and more love.

In 1 Corinthians 13:5 it speaks about love and how it doesn’t keep a record of being wrong. This is what it means to be quick to forgive. Don’t keep a tally board of all the wrongs your spouse has done. Talk it out and hand it over to God. We don’t need to carry all the wrong around with us, it only results in bitterness and anger.  Ask God to search your heart for any unforgiveness and leave it at his feet.  This works for all relationships, not just marriage.

Do you struggle with unforgiveness in your marriage or in other relationships?  If you do, please reach out.  It’s amazing how God has already used this situation to speak life into marriages that are struggling. God is so good!  Jon and I would love to help. We’d love to walk with you and invite the Holy Spirit in to bring healing, peace, and restoration.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wrong.

Centering your marriage around God

Author Tillie ButlerPosted on

In life, I struggle with lots of things, but one thing I know for sure is that I have an amazing marriage.  I take pride in my marriage, and I do anything to make it work. Jon and I will be married for 17 years on June 1st, 2019.  We are often asked, “How do you have such a great marriage?” or “What works for you all, and what doesn’t?” In the next couple of blogs, I will talk about (with Jon’s input) what makes our marriage work, and how we handle different things.

Here is the list we have come up with.  I will take one each month and write on them.

-Centering your marriage around God

-Quick to tell our feelings and quick to forgive

-Never tear each other down in public or in our home

-Always assume the best about each other

-Guardrails

-Shared budget

-Paying attention to the little things: He gives me gas and I drive him nuts

Please hear my heart: what works for us might not work for you. I just post this blog to help, or just to get you thinking about how to better your marriage. Just open your heart, and ask God to speak to you as you read this.

Centering Your Marriage Around God

Jon and I struggled with this when we first got married. We were two separate people with our separate relationships with God before we got married. When we got married, we heard from pastors, and other people who had been married for a while how we needed to read the Bible together, do devotionals together, and pray together.  So that is what we did, and let me be real honest… I hated it! It felt fake, unnatural, and I never felt God during those times. This freaked me out because I would think what is wrong with our marriage; are we not meant for each other? What are people going to think if Jon and I don’t do this, and he is a pastor?! As time went on, Jon and I just slowly stopped doing this together, and instead did our own thing. I absolutely hated when people would ask what our prayer life together looked like.  I just didn’t know how to answer that. I mean you can’t lie about your prayer life together, but I also didn’t want to say, “Um… we don’t.” So I would just talk my way around that question, but then felt like crap for not being able to actually answer that question.

So what did we do about this?  After MANY of years going back and forth, and feeling guilty of not doing this together, we finally found what works for us.

We both have our own prayer life. We both do our own devotions. Here is how we put God first in our marriage. There is not a day that goes by that we don’t say, “I was reading in the Bible today and God spoke this,” or “While I was praying, this is what I felt God saying.” At dinner, we ask the kids and each other a set of questions like, “What is God saying to you? What are you praying for?  What do you want prayer for?” Our daily talk is around what God is doing, or what we are praying for. Not only in our marriage, but also with our children. We challenge the kids to pray and listen to God’s voice. Do they always do it? No, but we want to show them how to put God into their daily life.

As promised, a moment with Jon:

Tillie and I like to keep it real and authentic.  So we really hate doing things simply because “we’re supposed to”—we like to do things because they work.  When we stopped trying to mimic the specific way others did things, and began to focus on sharing what God was saying to us, it was a game changer!  Making God the center of your marriage is more about shared priorities than shared activities. 

When life gets hard, we come together as a husband and wife, and pray together. The Bible says in Matthew 18:20 For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them. When we face trials or sickness, we come together and pray. There is nothing more beautiful than having your spouse lay hands on you and pray for you. I fall more in love with Jon when these moments happen. I feel God’s love so strong during these moments. You might be saying, “Then why don’t do this all the time?”  We don’t do this every day because we feel that would be forced, or feel fake.

I love to talk with Jon about what God is doing and speaking into his life. I also love when I am praying on something that I haven’t shared with him yet, and he will come to me and say God is speaking this to me… what do you think?

God created marriage; of course, he should be the center of it.  When you put God at the center of your marriage, it will be beautiful.  Does that mean it will be easy all the time, or alwa

 

ys be amazing? No, it means he will always be there to help see you through, and THAT is what makes it beautiful and amazing!

Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecciesiantes 4:12

Iron Sharpens Iron

Author Tillie ButlerPosted on

It’s the month of Love!  I have been debating to blog on love… or not.  I decided love, but not the romantic love (that makes some of you want to vomit), but instead friendship love, and how important true friendship is. I’d also like to share what a good, Godly friendship looks like and how to pray for one.

Friendships are so hard to find and keep.  I’m talking about friends who really care and friendships that go deeper than, “Hi, how’s it going?” There are some friendships that I know are for a season, and I’m okay with that, because I know God sends them to me for just a time to help me get through a season. Then there are some friendships that you have had since you were little, or in grade school, and are still going on today.  To be honest, I’m a little jealous of those friendships because I don’t have them.

I consider myself to be a friendly person and I like having people be around me. I tend to let people in fast and then get hurt even faster. . I speak the truth into people lives and that has cost me some friends along the way.  My heart has been broken more times than I would like to count, and I have been used as a doormat.  Don’t get me wrong; I have done things in the past and have hurt people along the way, but that was never my intention.  If you are reading this and I have hurt you, please know I am sorry.

Over the years, I have never really prayed for a good friendship. I have prayed and asked if I should walk away from a friendship because it’s not a good, healthy relationship, but I have never prayed for friends to come into my life.  You would think after all these years I would have. Things that make you go Hmmmmm… Haha.

There was one Sunday about 2 years ago, (maybe not even that long) I was sitting in church feeling hurt, broken, and just sad. I couldn’t tell you what song was playing or even what the message was about. I just remember closing my eyes and crying.  (Yes, I do cry a lot!) I began praying God, I’m hurt and I’m tired and just lonely. I know Jon is my best friend, (but he sucks as a woman) and I’m glad he isn’t, but I want a friendship that will last. I want a Godly woman where we can be each other’s cheerleaders, where we can vent and confide in each other knowing it would go no further than the room we were in. I want a friendship where we are pushing each other to grow in the Lord, and in other areas of our lives.  Also, if it’s not too much to ask, can our husbands get along, too? Yeah, I know I’m asking a lot. With my eyes still closed, I just sat there for a little while longer thinking that this would become my daily prayer until God makes this happen. When I opened my eyes, Amy Watson walked passed me and God said, “Her.  That is who I have for you.”

Here is how funny I am.  God gave me what I asked for, but then I turned around and began to question and doubt him. I said to God, “Really?  I don’t really know her… maybe I have said “Hi” to her from time to time, but that is it.  She is going to think I’m nuts going up to her and saying, “You want to be friends?  And, oh yeah…  God said so!”  God’s reply was, “Yup!  You asked and I gave you someone.  Now step out and know it’s going to be good.” When God says go, you go.

To make this long story short, we went out for coffee and hit it off. Then we went out with our husbands and, yup, they hit it off!  God is so amazing!  I found out she had also been praying for the same type of friendship, and for the hubby’s also to hit it off.  As a bonus, all of our kiddos get along great, too.

I am so blessed by this friendship in so many ways.  In this friendship, I have someone I can really trust to the point where I am able to share my goals and dreams.  She stands behind me, encourages me to go hit my goals, and to go after my dreams.  We lift each other in prayer, we are just there for when we have a crappy day, or we rejoice when something amazing happens.  Side note: If it weren’t for her, this blog wouldn’t even be a thing. I shared my dream for this blog with her, and I also shared that I was not good with all the right grammar, spelling, and whatnots. She said she would edit them for me.  (She is an English and Reading teacher at like a million colleges!  Amy, if I said that wrong, go ahead and edit that…  Haha)

Why this blog on friendship?  Why this blog on Amy? I write this blog because if you want an amazing friendship, then pray about it.

Don’t be like me and wait until you are completely broken to ask God to meet your needs.  God loves us so much and he cares for all our needs. Sometimes I think he waits for us just to ask and to tell him what we really want. Other times, he wants us to ask him to fill us up with his love before we can ask for other things.

Either way, just ask.

Amy, thank you for being you and for being an amazing friend. Thank you for taking the time to make my dream happen. Love you!

As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.

Proverbs 27:17 NLT

Hearing from God, missing the point

Author Tillie ButlerPosted on 2 Comments

For the past couple of years, I have been asking God for one word and one scripture for that year. I love doing this because I take the time to hear from the Lord. Honestly, I should do that all the time, but that is another blog. Another reason I love doing this is that I get a verse that I can hold tight to my heart for that year.  Just like when you get something new, like a new car, a new style, or you just found out you’re pregnant, you then see that new thing everywhere! The same thing happens with that one word or scripture, and it feels like God is talking to you everywhere. Especially, if you go into Hobby Lobby— they always seem to have my word or scripture plastered on every decoration there.

Going into the year of 2018, God gave me the word Joy.  The word Joy means a feeling of great pleasure and happiness; “tears of joy”. My first reaction was, “Yes, Lord!  I will take it.” In my heart, I thought 2018 was going to be amazing and just full of joy.  Man, I was a little off with that interpretation.

It was New Year’s Eve and I was headed home from the hospital to an empty house. You see, Jon was in the hospital waiting to have surgery to remove a lot of fluid from around his lung and his chest cavity. I’m not talking like a boogie from around his lung, but like so much fluid that if they didn’t remove it, I could have lost him.  As I was driving home worried and lonely, I remember asking God, ” So…. about this word Joy…I’m not feeling it.”

Jon had his surgery, everything came out great, and after 12 days he was able to come home. I had pure Joy then. I was thanking God for letting him come home and making him whole again. Well, except for the big hole that was on his side where they had the draining tube, but you get my point.

As time went on, life seemed to be going pretty good and I was seeing Joy in my kids and in my husband. I had started school for Life Coaching and that was Joy to me because I was finally going after my dream. I had Joy watching my kiddos play sports, and in seeing what they were doing musically.  I had Joy having a small group with our church. I had Joy watching new friendships develop. I had Joy watching my youngest son, Ben, finally learn how to swim on his own. The list goes on and on, yet deep down I didn’t feel the Joy.

While we had a hard start to the New Year, we did have a good year. Yet, I found myself being sad and disappointed in that there were promises that God had spoken to Jon and me, and I thought with the word Joy that meant they would come to pass in 2018. When they didn’t, I found myself getting bitter and a little bit of a hard heart. I was losing my Joy and I was questioning if I really heard from God.

As this year was closing, I started praying again for a word and a verse for 2019 and God said “Are you really listening to me? You didn’t fully listen to me with the word Joy.” Me being the brat I am I said, “Well, what more listening do I do for the word Joy?” He said, “Your word was Joy, but you needed to find Joy in everything you do. In hard times, find that joy; in the good times, finds that joy. No matter what was going on, you needed to find me and find the joy. You missed it!” Talk about a smack in the face and feeling like the worst listener ever.
How many times do we interpret what God says to us in the way we want to hear it? We are always in a rush to cut him off and just take a little part of what he speaks and run with it. How much do we miss when we do that? How many blessings do we miss? Whose lives could we have touched if we just stopped and REALLY listened?  Even though I missed some of God this year, I did learn from this that I really need to take more time with God and hear all he has to say.

My word for this year, 2019, is FAITH. I have been asking what this looks like, but not sure yet… I am keeping my faith that God will show me and speak to me.  Stay tuned for a blog on this one… HaHa

Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy.

Psalms 126:5 (NLT)

Behind Closed Doors

Author Tillie ButlerPosted on
Behind Closed Doors

I have tears rolling down my face out of frustration, being mad, and not being able to fix my son. The tears keep coming because I have to sit out and I am not able to be a part of what’s going on outside of my house. I am left wondering what I did wrong, or what was it today that set him off. Then my mind switches over to I’m a pastor’s wife… what are people thinking?  Are they wondering why I’m not at church?

These are all my thoughts and emotions from a couple of Sundays ago when my oldest son, Eli, had a big outburst, and I had to stay home from church that Sunday morning. That is the reason for this blog. That is what happened behind the closed doors of our house. This is to show you that pastor’s lives and families are NOT perfect.

This past summer, the summer of 2018, was a very difficult and emotional summer for our house. It was a summer of lots of meltdowns, and lots of tears from Eli and me.  There was lots of screaming, slammed doors, tantrums, and me behind our closed bedroom door crying to Jon saying, “I don’t know what else to do and I can’t take this anymore.” This is the summer that Eil was diagnosed with ADD.

Let me explain a little bit about Eli. Honestly, I could write this blog on just how amazing this kid really is, but I’ll just give you the gist of him. Elijah David is about to turn 12 in January of 2019. He has such a heart and compassion for the poor. His heart broke when we at first said we had to pick just one kid to sponsor for Compassion. Let’s just say we ended up with two by the time we were done. He LOVES to save his money and give gifts. That is always on his heart and mind. To say he loves Benjamin, his 6-year-old brother, is a big understatement. Eli is so smart; like smarter than me smart. If you have an electronic or a computer issue, call Eli because he will know how to fix it, or he will Google it until he can fix it.  (He gets that from his dad.  Well, he gets everything from his dad except his eyes! He gets them from me and no one else can claim them!)

See, I told you I can write this blog on how amazing he is, but back to the point of this blog and this season of life with Eli having ADD. When Eli was in 5th grade (2017-2018) he was really struggling.  We had lots of meetings with his teachers, and lots of fights for him to stay focused. Shoot, we even fought to get him to have a pencil with him. Jon and I would tell him all the time, “Buddy, we know you are smart, but you just have to apply yourself.” He would always be down on himself, and even stressed over his weight. I still don’t understand that one!  At times, he would bully his older sister, Trinity, (13) at youth or at home.  He would not give her space, or he would just flat out be mean to her. He and I would all the time fight, and I felt like I was yelling at him all the time over the stupidest stuff.

There was one scary incident that happened over the summer that got real ugly, real fast.  I won’t go into detail just to protect Eli, but I will be honest.  I was done; I was over all this stress.  I just didn’t care about him at that point. I was so glad my mom was there that day to care and love for him. She suggested we needed to get him seen because something was going on. At that moment I so didn’t want to hear that, but deep down I knew it was true.

That night after all the drama had settled down, Jon and I were lying in bed and again tears were falling down my face.  I said to him. “Something has to give because I can’t do this anymore. He has to been seen.” Jon agreed, we talked it over with Eli, and Eli was okay with that. We got him an appointment, they ran him through different tests, and asked lots of questions.  One thing I love about Eli is his sense of humor. When he saw his ADD test results, he said, “I passed that test big time!” And that he did.

I was so happy we found what was going on with him and that there was help for him!! Then they said the dirty “M” word. He needs medication. Where does my mind go? I start thinking what will people say when they hear he is on meds; how will this affect him in the long run; will this really work; will he be a zombie? I did what every mom out there would do… I Googled it. Seriously, why do we do that? It tells you all the extreme stuff and puts real fear into you. What I should have done first was go to the REAL Google- God! I prayed and felt peace about giving him meds. I also knew that God loved him way more than me, and that He has amazing plans for him.  I also knew that in the end, God will always protect him, so meds is what he got.

I could not believe the first day he had his “magic pill.” (That is what we call it.)  He was a different boy! I was in shock at how amazing the pill was for him. I think I cried like 10 times that day. I was just so happy it worked and just happy to see my kiddo back. We all saw a big change in him from his day to day attitude, to his school work. There were not as many meltdowns and he was just a joy to be around.

There are days when he still has meltdowns and we are learning to cope with them. We know this is just a season in life we are dealing with. I know there are just times when I can’t go and do what I had planned. There are still days when I cry and I want to pull my hair out because, let’s face it, he is still a teenage boy- hello hormones! But I’m so thankful we found some answers and were able to get the help he needs!!

Why blog about this? I feel people need to know that behind our closed doors we are not a perfect family. We have our struggles, too. We have our seasons of hardships, BUT it is how we deal with them that makes us a strong family. It’s those hard times that bring our family closer to God and closer to each other! I also blog about this to say I can’t always be at everything all the time. I might have to cancel or I just might have to say, “Yeah, it’s not going to happen today.” I love my son dearly.  I will do what I can to help him and to not put him in a place where he just can’t handle it that day.

Eli is an amazing kid and God has amazing plans for him. ADD will NOT stand in the way of that!

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7 NIV

Guardrails

Author Tillie ButlerPosted on 2 Comments

The definition of the guardrail is a rail that prevents people from falling off or being hit by something.

People ask Jon and me all the time, how do you keep a good marriage going, or what makes your marriage so good?  We tend to answer with: We have guardrails put in place for our marriage. We love our marriage, but I don’t think it would be as good as it is if we didn’t have our guardrails, and God in our marriage.

What do I mean by putting up guardrails in a marriage? When Jon and I got married, we set up some goals for our marriage that we want to finish our marriage which leads us to putting up guardrails. There were some events in my teenage years that made me lose trust in men and in love, but when God showed me what real love was, I wanted to do all I could to protect our love and keep our trust healthy. We both agreed on always putting each other first. We also agreed to never be alone with the opposite sex, and to never ride in a car with the opposite sex.  At any time, if someone from the opposite sex makes us feel uncomfortable, we hear each other out and try to find the best solution to make it better.

I’m sure some of you are thinking this is nuts; you all are out of your minds; how does this even work? We may be nuts and out of our minds, but I want to finish with my husband without having an affair attached to our marriage.  I read a study recently, that 40% of pastors have admitted to having an affair with someone from the church.  In my line of work, I’m sure it’s the same or higher. We don’t want to be a part of the 40%.

You might be wondering how this works for us, especially, with the line of work we are in.  For Jon, if he has a meeting with a female, he will schedule it so I can sit in on it. I may sit in the corner and just work, or play Candy Crush. If I can’t be there, he will have the meeting out in public, or where people can look in. The same for me.  If I have to coach a male, I make sure Jon is home with me, or we meet out in public. The same thing for riding in a car.  We will take our own car to where we have to go instead of riding alone with a person of the opposite sex.

Jon has messed up a couple of times with this.  Is it a big deal?  No, but since we have the guardrails up, it felt like a big deal.  He felt the bump of this and didn’t like how it felt. He came home, talked about it, and it was fine. Do I want him, or I, to continue to do this?  No, because that is opening a door for the enemy to come in, take down those guardrails, and have us fall off the cliff. To us, a 30-minute meeting with someone, or riding with someone might be weird and uncomfortable.  However, we will take weird and uncomfortable with setting up meetings and riding in a  car by ourselves over messing up 16 years of marriage, or not finishing with each other in the end.

Last, we put each other first. A great marriage is a self-less marriage. It has become so natural and routine for us, after doing it for so long. There is not a day that goes by that you don’t hear in our house, “What can I do for you?” Do we always feel like putting the other spouse first?  NO, but man, does it make a big difference in our marriage!  When you put each other first, you end up getting blessed in return… and let’s just say it really helps in the sex department! (Sorry mom and mother in law for reading that last line.) Marriage takes hard work, but it is so worth it in the end.

Does your marriage have guardrails? Do you have goals? It is never too late to start. If you don’t know where to start, or how this all works, well, it’s a good thing you know a Marriage Life Coach to help you out!  Send me a message and I would love to set up an appointment with you.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

God had a plan

Author Tillie ButlerPosted on
God had a plan

In February of 2008, God had a big plan that I was not aware of, and that plan changed my life forever. That month is the month I found out I was pregnant with Honor Grace. In most cases, women are happy and delighted to find out they are pregnant. Not me. I already had 2 little ones; Trinity, who was 3, and Elijah, who was 2. Jon and I were also in the beginning stages of planting a church.  To say I was tired and stressed, is an understatement! When I took that test, and saw those 2 lines, I broke out into tears and said to God, “Are you serious right now?”

Let me be real honest. All my life I was against abortion. I could never understand why women would do such a thing. How they could even think about doing such an awful thing? Well, that day I got it; I could understand how they could think this way. Standing in the bathroom, looking at this positive test, with tears rolling down my face, that was where my mind went.

I was so worn out.   I had a 2-year-old who lived out the saying “The Terrible Twos,” and we were planting a church.  There was no way I could have this child and do all of this. I never shared my thoughts about having an abortion with anyone because I was a pastor’s wife.  Pastor’s wives should never have those types of thoughts, so I kept it to myself for the next 3 months, but I thought it over and over again. I was mad at God for allowing me to get pregnant! As if I had nothing to do with it. I also had the thoughts, Well I don’t think I can love this child like the other two because I don’t have any more to love to give. Then, I would get mad at Jon for doing this to me and think: You know what, he can raise this child since it’s his fault. Let’s just say I was mad and didn’t want this child, but God had a plan.

October 10th of the same year, tragedy hit our home. Trinity, our three-year-old, was sexually assaulted in our home by a 15-year-old boy during small group. To make this long story short, we went through pure hell. Now I was really mad at God.  I just could not understand how he could allow this to happen while we were doing what he called us to do. Dealing with the stress and nightmares of Trinity, was putting stress on my pregnancy. As I watched the pure joy fade away from my sweet Trinity, it was making me have contrition towards Honor, the baby girl I was carrying.  We had lost all the joy and all the happiness in our family. We were walking around like zombies. I didn’t think we would ever recover, I still didn’t understand the point of this child inside of me, but God had a plan.

We were finally starting to see a little light at the end of this tunnel, and that was when I started to go into labor. Honor wasn’t supposed to come until November 13th, but God had a plan. On October 29th, I went to the doctor and she said it was time to have this baby! I think that was the first time I felt happy about the baby.

We went home and got everything ready.  I kissed Trinity and held her for a little bit.  I remember that this was the first time in a long time that Trinity smiled big.  She said, “I can’t wait for my baby sister to come home so I can feed her and love her.” Well, it took a little more time for Honor to come, and I kept thinking Okay, God, please let her come before Halloween. I just didn’t want a Halloween baby.

Honor Grace made her appearance at 1:32 on October 30, 2008. When the doctor put her on my chest, I cried uncontrollably and I said to her, “Hello, Sunshine.”  I was madly in love with her. All my hate, sadness, and emptiness went away when I held her.  In those moments I felt God saying, “This was my plan.”

When we took her home, Trinity couldn’t wait to get her hands on her. I remember sitting there helping Trinity hold her and feed her sister; I saw the joy come back in her. I finally had my little girl back. Again, I heard God say, “This was my plan.”

Trinity feeding her new baby sister

We call Honor our healing child. She brought life, love, and joy back to our family when all we could see was darkness. Today, she is my mini-me and I cannot even think what life would be like if I didn’t have my Honor Grace.

I write all of this because we all go through storms that we don’t know how we can get out of.  When life seems like hell on earth, God has a plan. If we trust him, reach out to him, and stay connected to him by praying and reading his word, he will see us through. It might not happen overnight, it might not happen in a year, but God has a plan.

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11