In February of 2008, God had a big plan that I was not aware of, and that plan changed my life forever. That month is the month I found out I was pregnant with Honor Grace. In most cases, women are happy and delighted to find out they are pregnant. Not me. I already had 2 little ones; Trinity, who was 3, and Elijah, who was 2. Jon and I were also in the beginning stages of planting a church. To say I was tired and stressed, is an understatement! When I took that test, and saw those 2 lines, I broke out into tears and said to God, “Are you serious right now?”
Let me be real honest. All my life I was against abortion. I could never understand why women would do such a thing. How they could even think about doing such an awful thing? Well, that day I got it; I could understand how they could think this way. Standing in the bathroom, looking at this positive test, with tears rolling down my face, that was where my mind went.
I was so worn out. I had a 2-year-old who lived out the saying “The Terrible Twos,” and we were planting a church. There was no way I could have this child and do all of this. I never shared my thoughts about having an abortion with anyone because I was a pastor’s wife. Pastor’s wives should never have those types of thoughts, so I kept it to myself for the next 3 months, but I thought it over and over again. I was mad at God for allowing me to get pregnant! As if I had nothing to do with it. I also had the thoughts, Well I don’t think I can love this child like the other two because I don’t have any more to love to give. Then, I would get mad at Jon for doing this to me and think: You know what, he can raise this child since it’s his fault. Let’s just say I was mad and didn’t want this child, but God had a plan.
October 10th of the same year, tragedy hit our home. Trinity, our three-year-old, was sexually assaulted in our home by a 15-year-old boy during small group. To make this long story short, we went through pure hell. Now I was really mad at God. I just could not understand how he could allow this to happen while we were doing what he called us to do. Dealing with the stress and nightmares of Trinity, was putting stress on my pregnancy. As I watched the pure joy fade away from my sweet Trinity, it was making me have contrition towards Honor, the baby girl I was carrying. We had lost all the joy and all the happiness in our family. We were walking around like zombies. I didn’t think we would ever recover, I still didn’t understand the point of this child inside of me, but God had a plan.
We were finally starting to see a little light at the end of this tunnel, and that was when I started to go into labor. Honor wasn’t supposed to come until November 13th, but God had a plan. On October 29th, I went to the doctor and she said it was time to have this baby! I think that was the first time I felt happy about the baby.
We went home and got everything ready. I kissed Trinity and held her for a little bit. I remember that this was the first time in a long time that Trinity smiled big. She said, “I can’t wait for my baby sister to come home so I can feed her and love her.” Well, it took a little more time for Honor to come, and I kept thinking Okay, God, please let her come before Halloween. I just didn’t want a Halloween baby.
Honor Grace made her appearance at 1:32 on October 30, 2008. When the doctor put her on my chest, I cried uncontrollably and I said to her, “Hello, Sunshine.” I was madly in love with her. All my hate, sadness, and emptiness went away when I held her. In those moments I felt God saying, “This was my plan.”
When we took her home, Trinity couldn’t wait to get her hands on her. I remember sitting there helping Trinity hold her and feed her sister; I saw the joy come back in her. I finally had my little girl back. Again, I heard God say, “This was my plan.”
We call Honor our healing child. She brought life, love, and joy back to our family when all we could see was darkness. Today, she is my mini-me and I cannot even think what life would be like if I didn’t have my Honor Grace.
I write all of this because we all go through storms that we don’t know how we can get out of. When life seems like hell on earth, God has a plan. If we trust him, reach out to him, and stay connected to him by praying and reading his word, he will see us through. It might not happen overnight, it might not happen in a year, but God has a plan.
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11