I have tears rolling down my face out of frustration, being mad, and not being able to fix my son. The tears keep coming because I have to sit out and I am not able to be a part of what’s going on outside of my house. I am left wondering what I did wrong, or what was it today that set him off. Then my mind switches over to I’m a pastor’s wife… what are people thinking? Are they wondering why I’m not at church?
These are all my thoughts and emotions from a couple of Sundays ago when my oldest son, Eli, had a big outburst, and I had to stay home from church that Sunday morning. That is the reason for this blog. That is what happened behind the closed doors of our house. This is to show you that pastor’s lives and families are NOT perfect.
This past summer, the summer of 2018, was a very difficult and emotional summer for our house. It was a summer of lots of meltdowns, and lots of tears from Eli and me. There was lots of screaming, slammed doors, tantrums, and me behind our closed bedroom door crying to Jon saying, “I don’t know what else to do and I can’t take this anymore.” This is the summer that Eil was diagnosed with ADD.
Let me explain a little bit about Eli. Honestly, I could write this blog on just how amazing this kid really is, but I’ll just give you the gist of him. Elijah David is about to turn 12 in January of 2019. He has such a heart and compassion for the poor. His heart broke when we at first said we had to pick just one kid to sponsor for Compassion. Let’s just say we ended up with two by the time we were done. He LOVES to save his money and give gifts. That is always on his heart and mind. To say he loves Benjamin, his 6-year-old brother, is a big understatement. Eli is so smart; like smarter than me smart. If you have an electronic or a computer issue, call Eli because he will know how to fix it, or he will Google it until he can fix it. (He gets that from his dad. Well, he gets everything from his dad except his eyes! He gets them from me and no one else can claim them!)
See, I told you I can write this blog on how amazing he is, but back to the point of this blog and this season of life with Eli having ADD. When Eli was in 5th grade (2017-2018) he was really struggling. We had lots of meetings with his teachers, and lots of fights for him to stay focused. Shoot, we even fought to get him to have a pencil with him. Jon and I would tell him all the time, “Buddy, we know you are smart, but you just have to apply yourself.” He would always be down on himself, and even stressed over his weight. I still don’t understand that one! At times, he would bully his older sister, Trinity, (13) at youth or at home. He would not give her space, or he would just flat out be mean to her. He and I would all the time fight, and I felt like I was yelling at him all the time over the stupidest stuff.
There was one scary incident that happened over the summer that got real ugly, real fast. I won’t go into detail just to protect Eli, but I will be honest. I was done; I was over all this stress. I just didn’t care about him at that point. I was so glad my mom was there that day to care and love for him. She suggested we needed to get him seen because something was going on. At that moment I so didn’t want to hear that, but deep down I knew it was true.
That night after all the drama had settled down, Jon and I were lying in bed and again tears were falling down my face. I said to him. “Something has to give because I can’t do this anymore. He has to been seen.” Jon agreed, we talked it over with Eli, and Eli was okay with that. We got him an appointment, they ran him through different tests, and asked lots of questions. One thing I love about Eli is his sense of humor. When he saw his ADD test results, he said, “I passed that test big time!” And that he did.
I was so happy we found what was going on with him and that there was help for him!! Then they said the dirty “M” word. He needs medication. Where does my mind go? I start thinking what will people say when they hear he is on meds; how will this affect him in the long run; will this really work; will he be a zombie? I did what every mom out there would do… I Googled it. Seriously, why do we do that? It tells you all the extreme stuff and puts real fear into you. What I should have done first was go to the REAL Google- God! I prayed and felt peace about giving him meds. I also knew that God loved him way more than me, and that He has amazing plans for him. I also knew that in the end, God will always protect him, so meds is what he got.
I could not believe the first day he had his “magic pill.” (That is what we call it.) He was a different boy! I was in shock at how amazing the pill was for him. I think I cried like 10 times that day. I was just so happy it worked and just happy to see my kiddo back. We all saw a big change in him from his day to day attitude, to his school work. There were not as many meltdowns and he was just a joy to be around.
There are days when he still has meltdowns and we are learning to cope with them. We know this is just a season in life we are dealing with. I know there are just times when I can’t go and do what I had planned. There are still days when I cry and I want to pull my hair out because, let’s face it, he is still a teenage boy- hello hormones! But I’m so thankful we found some answers and were able to get the help he needs!!
Why blog about this? I feel people need to know that behind our closed doors we are not a perfect family. We have our struggles, too. We have our seasons of hardships, BUT it is how we deal with them that makes us a strong family. It’s those hard times that bring our family closer to God and closer to each other! I also blog about this to say I can’t always be at everything all the time. I might have to cancel or I just might have to say, “Yeah, it’s not going to happen today.” I love my son dearly. I will do what I can to help him and to not put him in a place where he just can’t handle it that day.
Eli is an amazing kid and God has amazing plans for him. ADD will NOT stand in the way of that!
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7 NIV